My perfect morning involves waking up to The Today Programme, but not waking up to it entirely.
There'd be no harsher start to the day than having Chris Morris shout, "This is the NEWS!" down your lughole, but it's not like that at all. Rather than bringing you round with a brutal thud of verité, waking up with the news on puts you in a floaty place halfway between the strangeness of dreams and the strangeness of the world.
Microsleeps and hazy mishearings punctuate what you're half-listening to, and it's not until hours later you realise that you probably didn't hear what you thought you did. I never find the news quite so satisfying as when I'm semi-concious. So it occured to me to try and put this right.
What I've done is just to take a couple of random items from Today and snip out the bits that make it make sense. It's not really meant to be funny, it's just meant to let me hear something while I'm awake that I can normally only ever hear while I'm half-asleep.
The one with the dog is a little bit funny though.
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